"In the course of human history, one can scarcely doubt the true driving force behind every one of humankind’s greatest achievements, be they in art, music, literature, or science. Though some misguided elitists may argue fiercely to the contrary, this force is not our species’ natural curiosity, nor is it our persistent and hopeful search for meaning in an often chaotic and unjust world.

This force is not even ambition, or love, or the compassion that surely resides somewhere in even the blackest human soul.

No, the force that drives people worldwide to reach greater and greater heights as a civilization is none of these things, but is rather: MEN’S BONERS.

My dear friends! Don’t leave in disgust! We must acknowledge the truth of this, as there are huge potential ramifications that could impact our civilization’s very survival. I will explain.

The need for straight men’s boners and their powerful influence on our culture and our world is precisely why obesity is such a worldwide crisis, one that needs trumpeting from the front pages of every news outlet on a weekly, if not a daily, basis.

Indeed, hourly reminders of the consequences of fatness would be appropriate as we approach this dangerous tipping point from which no boner returns. Our greatest achievements must be thrust forcibly into a planet willing and ready to be impregnated with men’s brilliance, and the momentum by which this thrusting occurs relies upon the swelling of the masculine organ for its fortitude and clout.

However, the growing incidence of visible fat women, specifically fat women daring to aspire to the lofty heights of sexual agency, is a terrible imposition upon man’s eager inflammation. To put it simply, fat women are making the all-important weens that rule the world into soft, flaccid appendages, of no use for thrusting anything anywhere.

It’s a serious problem.

When described in such terms, the frustration, resentment, and even violent rages of narrow-minded cisgendered heterosexual men railing against the forced witnessing of women’s bodies that fail to give them hard-ons becomes a perfectly understandable and even sympathetic response to a world that has failed to identify how deeply (even irreparably, as some things can never be unseen) it has damaged them. We are, after all, describing the single most sensitive and vital organ in these men’s bodies, from which fully nine-tenths of their motivation to do anything in life is derived.

Clearly, these are men suffering from a heartbreaking deficiency of boners.

The sight of fat women is a heavy cross said men must bear every moment they step out into the public spaces where people congregate, be they city streets or shopping malls or public transportation or the dentist’s office. Their eyes burning as though filled with searing acid, their inability to control their speech — the inescapable, uncontrollable need to instruct the offending woman on the pain she is selfishly causing them — is hardly their fault!

They must say something, in the hope that their words will drive the fat woman back into the shadows and thereby cause the unthinkable torture being imposed upon their enfeebled weens to finally relent.

Such men cannot be responsible for the things they say and do while in such agony. We cannot rightly blame them when it is these men, and the relative rigidity of their supremely important peckers, who are being attacked here — attacked by fat women who dare to allow themselves to be seen."